IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM

By Betsy Allen

‍ ‍1.

my heart will always ache for you because
‍ ‍because loving you felt like loving me but
but loving him feels like choosing me and—
‍ ‍and i have never chosen me.
and he makes me feel special
‍ ‍special the way you made me feel special but
‍ ‍in the real way
‍ ‍in the right this second way
‍ ‍in the it’s me he loves and not the idea of me way
‍ ‍in the getting to know me love me way
‍ ‍and not in the knowing me without knowing me love me way

‍ ‍2.

you talked of twin flames and i think i get it now
because twins–twins
are souls separated and i needed you to love me because you were me
but i don’t need him i want him

‍ ‍3.

needing someone is like losing air slowly—
quiet and then loud all at once
and i’m so tired of noise.
needing you was like eating
and you know how i hate eating—
needing you is not the same as wanting is not the same as choosing is not the same as loving is not the
same as
‍ ‍i’m so tired now

‍ ‍4.

sleeping is like dreaming is like needing is like living
i am sleeping now
and it is so so sweet.

mom told dad to invite him to dinner
make chicken cutlets, Tonkatsu for the American Boy
the song on the radio tells me to just be.

dad plays guitar the way i majored in psychology—
a little, not really, but enough to hand out criticisms
he is here with stubborn fingers reaching out to the boy he just cooked for.

mom, dad, and sister think he’s like honey
sweet, so sweet, with a sunny disposition, an appealing aftertaste
his friends are calling him asian-fucker and i remember how much i hate honey.

‍ ‍5.

losing you felt like losing me and
and i should never have to lose me
and loving you felt like needing you
and needing is not the same as choosing is not the same as loving
but
at
least
your
friends
didn’t
tokenize
me—