Rag Doll

By Izzy

sometimes i think about the old days,
how you grabbed my limb body and claimed me as if i were a prize you had won
only thinking about your personal victories and not my costs,
as i became your rag doll.
i thought you were restitching my strings back together
taking the damages and making me better than before,
but when i look back i can only see the holes you ripped in my foundation,
as you left me to fall apart in your arms

i longed for what you did to me,
i longed for you to rip me into shreds,
for my bones to bend and eventually break as i watched my resistance towards you
slowly fade away,
and i starved for the way you put my discarded pieces back together like paper mache,
how after leaving me alone in the dark you would untie me and hold me tight against
your chest as you whispered in my ear that i was your favorite.
and it didn’t matter that i was wasting away,
that the words you spoke contradicted your very being,
it only mattered that i was yours

and nothing prepared me for the day when you decided to move on,
that you didn’t want to play with rag dolls anymore,
that all the tears i cried over you and the stains you left in my very fabric meant nothing,
that every string you left hanging and every inch of damage you left on my mind was all i
would ever be,
and sometimes i want to cry even shout
as i long for you to slap me, even destroy me so i know you’re still there.

but as i sit in the void of our memories,
in the endless cassette that plays in my mind,
i now realize that i have never been yours,
that despite the way i may crave you, even miss you
i should have never been under your control.
i can now see that the way you used me is not who i am
as i am not a toy on your shelf,
especially not a rag doll.